Ball Four

I know I've given a shout out to Jim Bouton's "Ball Four" here before, but I'm reading it again in celebration of spring training starting up and I can't help but talk about it here.

If you're a baseball fan, and you've never read this book you need to take quick and decisive action and READ IT. It is groundbreaking, flat our hilarious, and even now when clubhouse tell-alls are commonplace, it stands out as a truly genuine peek into professional baseball.

And it reads like a really great blog, broken down with an entry per day, each delightfully scattered and almost schizophrenic.. In fact it makes me want to blog with the candor and random chain of consciousness that Bouton writes with. We'll see, I may start a little experiment.

Also, Jim Bouton would be great on twitter.

That's all.

Obligatory Doggie Post

This is what Boggs looks like when he's doing something wrong.
Which is often.
Good thing he's cute.

Late Pass Wednesday: Dodger Game

Wow. This a real throwback. In July we were down in southern California to take part in the epic Morris/Ross wedding & to visit my Grandparents. On a whim we bought some tickets to a Dodger game and set out to see what Dodger Stadium was all about.
I have to say that we absolutely loved the atmosphere. It is a truly great baseball venue.
Of course no baseball game is complete without capturing Manny Ramirez scratching his nutsack in between innings. Boy oh boy did Zeb's extreme long range lens come in handy. And to think, I once told him that there was no way we would ever have a use for such a high powered telescopic lens. Man, was I wrong.
And to top it all off this is the view over LA from outside Dodger Stadium. Breathtaking.

Things I Don't Like Based on Principle

Avatar: I don't like it based on the principle that any movie that makes that much money should have both an above average plot and acting. Otherwise it's not a movie, it's a laser light show.

Facebook: I don't like it based on the principle that people graduate from high school, grow up, and lose track of all those random people they never really liked anyway for a reason.

Jay Leno's Tonight Show: I don't like it based on the principle that he has too big of a chin and is not funny.

The Goonies: I don't like it based on the principle that the movie looks dirty. Don't make me explain.

Country Music: I don't like it based on the principle that I don't listen to music that 1) makes my ears bleed, or 2) makes me physically angry.

NBA Basketball: I don't like it based on the principle that there should be both offense and defense simultaneously occurring in every basketball game.

Mike Piazza: I don't like him based on the principle of get a damn hair cut.

Late Pass Wednesday: Christmas Light Obsession

If you know Zeb, you understand that he doesn't really do things halfway. If he's a baseball fan, he's going to be the most maniacal Red Sox fan you've ever met. If he's going to coach, he's going to spend every waking moment planning drills, dissecting his roster and running stats. And if he's going to put up christmas lights, he's going to put up the most damn christmas lights in the neighborhood.

The display pictured above was his first draft of this year's christmas display. Bear in mind, that picture was taken while it was pitch dark outside. I saw a jogger run by and say to his jogging partner "look how bright that house is, I almost ran off the curb looking at it." Yup, that's before he bought 4 more sets of net lights for the shrubs, strung a giant christmas tree with a color changing star on top on the front corner of our lot, and borrowed a projector from our neighbor to project a huge image of Santa Clause on the side of our house. Yeah, I said it.

It became a sickness really. He would drive around the neighborhood to make sure that there were no other houses with more/better lights displays than his. I had to talk him down off the ledge several times when he insisted that he "just needed to buy a few more strings of lights!!"

But you know what? If it makes the guy happy, I'm sure there could be worse hobbies.

Mid-Evening With Jimmy Fallon

Is it sad that I DVR late night TV because I'm too old too stay up late enough to watch it at it's intended time slot? Just wondering.

Can I also just say that if this whole Late Night Saga ends up in the cancellation of my beloved Late Night With Jimmy Fallon, I will personally hunt Jay Leno down and make him pay.

And you're probably wondering why I would want to watch Jimmy Fallon, I mean isn't he that douchey red sox guy from SNL? Common misconception, in real life Jimmy Fallon isn't even a Red Sox fan. He's from New York. Suck it.

My Husband is Ashamed of Me

We have neighbors who we adore. More specifically, our neighbor is my husband's soulmate. He's from Boston, he loves the Sawks, he coaches baseball, he is generally crude, rude and socially unacceptable, and regularly uses words like peckerhead. We'll call him Maahhk (think Mark said with that Jimmy Fallon boston accent from SNL.) Lucky for me, Maahhk is married.

Of course Maahhk's family back in Boston are also diehard Red Sox fans. We've heard legendary Yankee hating stories centered around Maahhk's father and his unwavering hatred of all things NY, each tale more outlandish than the next. So when Maahhk announced that his Dad was coming to visit and we just had to meet him, I was a little nervous.....but totally up for the challenge. I'm riding a World Series Championship here, no Sox fan can take me down!

Finally the big day came that we were supposed to meet the Grand Daddy Yankee Hater of them All, and I noticed that Zeb seemed to be awkwardly trying to make a break for it and go by the neighbors house without me. I questioned him, and he told me that I should just stay home.

That's right, he told me to stay home because he was embarrassed for our neighbor's family to know that he is married to a Yankees fan. He is ashamed of ME!?

I gave him a hard time about it when he got back, and he finally admitted that he was indeed worried that if Maahhk's dad saw that he was married to a Yankees fan that he would not be considered a "true Red Sox fan." Real nice.

Late Pass Wednesday: Vegas

Some may know that we spent a 5 days in Las Vegas with the team for the Las Vegas Bowl. You'll quickly realize that this post has nothing to do with the game, because frankly nothing about the game was noteworthy.
We stayed at the Palazzo, which is a newer hotel connected to the Venetian. The entire place was beautiful and incredibly nice, but the 1 thing that took the experience to the next level was the 22" Flat Screen HD TV, IN THE BATHROOM!!! Unfortunately Zeb's photography skills lacked the foresight to include said MOST IMPORTANT FEATURE OF THE ENTIRE TRIP. So I photoshopped to help you out. It was agreed upon by everyone, that this was a life changing experience. Do you know how much more productive my morning routine would be if I could watch the Today Show while simultaneously blow drying my hair? I can't tell you how many morning minutes I have wasted sitting on the edge of the bed in my robe watching the latest updates on that missing housewife from Utah & the Tiger Woods Saga. By the way, I swear I used to think that The Today Show talked about actual news. No, turns out it is only about .003452 steps above E! News. But I digress.
Kinda cool for anyone whos never been to the old downtown Las Vegas. They took us up to Fremont Street which is this open air area covered in a video screen ceiling. The positives of Fremont Street: Cheap Drinks & "loose slots" (Thats What She Said,) The negatives: Lots of Bums. A bum asked my boss for his leftover steak from the Outback Steakhouse Buffett they had set up for us.
We checked out the Bellagio Conservatory and Botanical Gardens for their Christmas display. It is somewhat difficult to understand the scale of these displays from the pictures, but they are huge, and nearly everything is made out of plants.

We especially liked the Polar Bears made out of white carnations.
Another team function was a trip to see the Terry Fator show. Yeah, if you reaction is "who the hell is Terry Fator," that was my reaction too. He is a ventriloquist/singer who won America's Got Talent. My favorite shtick from his show was his impersonation of Michael Jackson, but I could have done without the red neck puppet. This guy has a 10 year contract with The Mirage hotel, and he get's paid 10 million dollars a year. Bizzaro.
To me no trip to Vegas is complete without watching the Fountains at the Bellagio at least once...or 5 times.
Zeb wanted to get sketched by this street artist.....
But why did it look so much like The Joker?

There is no good way to start this...

Long story short, Boggs went in to get neutered on Monday. Get the old nuts chopped off, no more hormones, nice calm submissive doggie (as Cesar Millan would say) all good. Except when I looked to check the wound and was greeted by a giant ballsack. Huh? Isn't that exactly what they were supposed to take away? I seriously considered taking pictures so that you could see what we're dealing with over here.

I agonized over it. How could a vet miss such huge set of balls? That's not how Ollie looked after his surgery. I called my mom, she confirmed - all her dogs were sans balls afterwards. So of course, I called the vet:

Me: "Hiiiiii, my dog Boggs was in yesterday to be neutered...and well......he's doing just fine....but I do have one question. This might sound strange, but why does he still have a nutsack?"

And yes, I know I'm a medical professional, and I certainly could have phrased my question more scientifically. But how often does one get a genuine opportunity to use the term "nutsack" in daily conversation?

Turns out they said it was completely normal, and the faux ballsack is just swelling from the procedure, and should shrink up to nothing over the next few days....we'll see about that.

Pictured above: Ollie comforts Boggs after his surgery. "I know what you're going through Bro"

Oh Hi

I think I'm ready to jump back into blogging, but be forewarned that my ambition may just be fueled by the fact that I've been off work for the past 4 days in a row. The new laptop might also help, which means I no longer get kicked off my wireless connection every time I try to open a web page, save a file, download a picture, or generally use my computer.

On a positive note, my 4 month Blog sabbatical has given me tons of material for late pass Wednesdays.

Does anyone even read this anymore?

Hello? (sings lionel richie in my head, great video by the way) Is it meeeeeee you're looking for?

Okay, bye bye.

Introducing Boggs

So did I mention that I think blogging might be giving me bad karma? Well, really just because I had to post about the Zeb-Deals, and then I get side swiped by a few of them within the span of a few weeks. Screw this blog.

Anyway, one adorable little Zeb-Deal that recently came my way is this little guy, Boggs. (yeah, named after New York Yankee and Boston Red Sox great, Wade Boggs) He's a 7 week old Chesapeake Bay Retriever. And he's going to be huge. He is a natural at taking walks, but has struggled hard in the crate training arena. Basically he cries like a howler monkey everytime we try to put him in his crate. If he doesn't figure this out by the time fall camp starts next Sunday, I am going to flip my shit.

Zeb having a "teaching moment" with the little one.

Ollie & Boggs getting aquainted in the back yard.

(Singing theme song to Rob & Big) "People let me tell ya 'bout my beeest friend"

Yeah, they love each other. Notice Ollie's leg tangled up around Boggs. I die. More stories to come soon.

Zeb-Deals Mode

I'm sure I've shared with many of you the phenomenon that often occurs in my household - now known as "Zeb-Deals Mode." This occurs when a few factors align - 1) Zeb is in the market for a specific new toy. Often some piece of electronics, but not necessarily limited to electronics. 2) The perfect, and unbelievable deal becomes available - typically after intense research, and almost always there is some type of time limit on this deal that makes it necessary to make the purchase immediatly. Below I have made an attempt to outline the typical process that "Zeb-Deals Mode" goes through, with various (usually unsuccessful) interventions that I have tried to use to side track "Zeb-Deals Mode"

1. IDENTIFICATION: Zeb identifies a specific need in his existence. (typically this "need" is going to be more along the lines of a "want," if you will, or a distant fantasy. Very unlikely to be something that is a necessity) At this point I will do my best to point out the reasons why said "need" is actually un-needed. A key at this stage is to use extreme dis-interest in the topic, because if I become too intertwined in discussion about said "need" Zeb may actually mistake this for a signal that specified purchase is a possibility. "So you're saying I have a chance."
   
2. REPETITION: Zeb begins to bring the topic up more and more frequently. Say he mentions that he wants to buy a Kayak once - I'm in the clear. But if he starts to bring this up multiple times, it could be a problem. One strategy that has seemed to work at this stage is to act like I can't hear his comments. I'll either just be silent when he starts talking about the purchase, or sometimes even say "what?" and when he repeats it say "what?" again. I'll repeat this as many times as necessary until he stops trying to tell me about said purchase.
3. RESEARCH: Zeb begins looking up facts about the purchase, finding out what brands are good brands. He will usually start to see what typical prices are. At this point he may even act disappointed to find out how expensive something is, and he may even act as if he does not think he can afford said item. "Awww, it's really too bad that kayaks cost $5,000. I guess that's way too much, we really can't afford that now." This is in no way an indicator that I am in the clear. Again, at this phase avoidance is the best strategy. I try to avoid engaging Zeb in any sort of discussion about this purchase.
4. INTENSE RESEARCH: Zeb starts researching non-stop. At this point he will begin finding deals. It would be typical for Zeb to come up with a few "decoy" deals to pump-fake me, before he goes in for the kill with the final "Zeb-Deal." Once Zeb has reached the intense research phase the purchase will likely go down within the next 24-72 hours. It is unlikely that I have any chance of reversing the process once it has reached the intense research phase.
5. ZEB-DEAL: The final Zeb-Deal will always be at a huge discount to any other sale price that has been listed anywhere else. It will always be a once in a lifetime deal, and there will always be some sort of time constraint, such as an open box opportunity at a store, or a craig's list sale that "isn't going to last for long." I know it's over when I start hearing phrases like "but it was originally $5,000 and now they're selling it for only $750" or "fine, I'll just wait and buy it at the regular price." By the time that the Zeb-Deal comes, I am typically so tired of fighting off this purchase that I no longer have the will to tell him we can't afford it, or that we don't really need it. This is when Zeb swoops in and seals the Zeb-Deal.

I hope you have found this informational, and now you can hopefully recognize when someone in your life goes into "Zeb-Deals Mode," and you may even be able to temporarily sidetrack or delay the progression of the Zeb Deal.

Late Pass Wednesday: Pitching Machine Fiasco

I know I haven't posted much on it this year, but Zeb is coaching 13/14 year old baseball through the Boys and Girls Club of Corvallis again this year. He had high expectations for the year with several kids returning this year that he coached last year. At some point in the middle of the season, with the team slumping at the plate, Zeb decided that the only way for his team to take it to the next level was if they had a pitching machine to hit off of everyday in practice. I did my best to dissuade the man, but he had already ventured too far into what I will from this point on refer to as "Zeb-Deals Mode" I will outline this phenomenon in a soon to come blog so that you may gather further information on "Zeb-Deals Mode," such as symptoms and possible prevention strategies.

Zeb somehow managed to find this pitching machine as pictured above from a college kid living in Medford. Apparently it is a $2000 machine, which Zeb somehow convinced the kid to sell it to him for $350 - and then Zeb somehow convinced the parents of his team to all pitch in money toward the cause. So really all that ended up coming out of my pocket was $10 and the gas money it took to get to Medford and back.
As much as I put up a fuss about Zeb spending money on such funny thing, it turned out to be a lot of fun. We've gone out to the baseball field and taken a few buckets of balls on some Sundays (Even Ollie got the run around the field and shag balls - he actually did bring a few in from the outfield, but I think he took more out there than he brought in,) which was fun as hell. And the kids on Zeb's team absolutely think it is the coolest thing in the world. All in all I guess it was worth it. We like to joke around about tearing down the fence we share with one of our neighbors (basically Zeb's soulmate, the husband of the family is a baseball coach at CHS, a Red Sox fan & about as crude & blunt as Zeb) and building an ajoined hitting cage in our back yards. Complete with field lights for the nighttime. Yeah, I really don't think we would have any problem getting that passed by the Home Owners Association.

Happy Birthday Zeb!

Today, is Zeb's 27th birthday - so naturally I gave him his presents on Monday. I'm pretty proud of myself too. See, Zeb's not the best present receiver in the world, so to have gotten him a gift he actually likes, without him hand picking it out himself is a pretty big accomplishment. More to come on these hand made screen prints in another blog. I think we've got another world's best link on our hands.

Who Let The Dogs Out?

We're puppy sitting for my Sister In-Law while they're on vacation, so for the next 9 days we're at a 1:1, dog:people ratio in my house. Abby (the pug - 3 years old) and Elmer (pug/boston mix - 13 years old) have been a ton of fun so far, and Ollie's behavior has drastically improved, probably out of shear exhaustion. We call them "the herd" and they are quite a site to be seen, and heard. Abby makes the most noise just living of any dog I have ever seen. To think that Damon thought Ollie was loud.

Since Thursday, when we increased our dog population by 200%, we've also managed to turn our back yard into a dog park for an evening - hosting along with our herd a 5 month old bull mastif and a chocolate lab (our neighbors dogs.) Let's just say that last night Ollie humped to his little hearts content & has been passed out all day long.

World's Best Link!!!

Congratulations! You did it!! World's Best Link!!

Introducing:

Flip Flop Flyball

A funny, geeky look into the world of a baseball stats maniac. And the graphics are just fun to look at. My favorite section? Really Fantasy Baseball - Wu-Tang Clan vs. The E Street Band. Enjoy!

An Open Letter to the Creepy Check-Out Guy at Safeway

Dear Creeper,

Just because I'm checking out in your line doesn't give you free range to comment on the contents of my basket. Yeah, maybe I have ground beef & corn flakes in my cart - but that doesn't mean I'm making meatloaf and it sure as hell doesn't mean I want to have a conversation about meatloaf.

Oh and just because I'm in line with Damon - doesn't mean that we'd like you to start making comments about "what I'm going to make him for dinner." Oh and the "winks" and "knowing glances" - unnecessary. Mind your business guy.

So what - I'm buying rice, terriyaki sauce & garlic. What do you care if I'm making an asian themed dinner tonight? Leave me alone!

I bought that US magazine with Stefanie from The Hills on the cover. Sue me! I know it's ridiculous - but I'll hear that enough from Zeb, I don't need you telling me too!

Next time I'm in line, you can go ahead and fight the urge to make awkward chatter and how about you just let me check out in peace.

Sincerely Yours,

Heather

Remember the Time

Yeah, I know. Everyone is gonna have their corny tribute to MJ - but if you were born anytime in the 80's you kinda have to. He was the definition of pop culture - our version of Elvis, right?

Of course I remember dancing around in our living room, listening to Pie-Co Jackson (the way Charles used to pronounce in back in the day.) Trying to figure out how the hell to do the moon walk - I never did get it. Watching his video premieres during prime time TV - after the cosby show right? And we never had cable TV growing up, so friends would video tape his music videos and specials on MTV for us so that we could watch it.

My Canadian roommate in grad school admitted that she thought that Prince, The Artist Formerly Known as Prince & Michael Jackson were the same person. Talk about living under a rock.

Blast you MJ hard this weekend, and feel free to do a couple of obligatory crotch grabs & pelvic thrusts in remembrance. Owwwwwww!!!

WTF Jon & Kate

Watched Jon & Kate tonight. So depressing. Not even The Bachelorette can bring me out of it.

The thing is that it seems so obvious. Everyone watching could list a handful of things that either one of the two could do differently to help the relationship...but for some reason they just won't do it. Quit the show, let Jon get his day job & identity back, have Kate quit the book tour. Something - anything. If you're "willing to do anything for your kids" wouldn't you be willing to think about those options?

But when you're in the middle of the situation, you can't see they little things that could make it all different. Right? Those things that everyone else looking in can see so clearly?

I really would hope that if I were in a situation where I were driving my marriage into the ground - someone close to me would be willing to step in and tell me that I was f-ing up. Oh yeah, and I hope that I would be smart enough to listen.

Coming Soon:
Baby Shower Mania
Pitching Machine Fiasco
Me Against the Mob
Ollie's 1st Birthday
San Antonio

Now This Is Gonna Happen

Woooooo! Just when I was about to make another post about how I have done absolutely nothing with the garage - Zeb went and had a mad cleaning spree on Saturday. Now you can actually see the garage floor. Awesome. The bulk of the mess has been taken care of - now just on to some organizing. I've claimed a corner - my office, if you will. Zeb is a little annoyed at the prospect of sharing the "man zone" - but at least I'm not trying to get into the game room.

When we bought the house it seemed completely too big for us, but we've managed to fill it up in just a few short months and now are arguing over garage real estate. Oh how the tables have turned...