An Open Letter to Roger Clemens

As baseball fans we have the right to "selective reality" - it is our inalienable right. I think it's in the Bill of Rights actually.

Selective reality is that thing that allows us to be absolutally sure that the ump blew the game for our team - even when that pesky instant replay shows that he got the call right. It's the thing that allowed Dodger fans to berate Joe Torre and his inferior managing skills for the past 10 years, then instantaneously hail him as one of the games greatest minds when he crossed over to the dark side late last October. This is what baseball fans do. I should know, I actually managed to convince myself that the 2003 World Series never happened (for those of you who don't know, that's the year that the Florida Marlins allegedly defeated my Yankees for the title.) I also use selective reality when I proclaim Derek Jeter as the best shortstop in the game.

I've got this down to an art. But recently, one Major Leaguer has been making this task pretty difficult for me. Roger Clemens is a legend (even if you take everything else away, the simple fact that he beaned Mike Piazza and knocked him out cold should be enough to get The Rocket into The Hall.) That slow southern drawl, 350 + wins, BFF with Andy Pettite, 7 Cy Young awards, and named his kids all starting with the letter K??? How can you not love this guy?

Then this whole "steriod thing" came about. I mean, honestly, I guess it's really not much of a surprise to anyone, but I desperatly want to use my selective reality to maintain my untainted image of Clemens. He's just making it so difficult. He got caught playing the game that Barry Bond's invented, only he's just not quite as good at it. At least Bonds was either smart enough, or scary enough, to make sure that his steroid supplying flunky was loyal. Clemens - not so much, he managed to associate with only guy with a bigger mouth than Jose Canseco. And now, to make matters worse, he doesn't even have a good excuse that I can buy into. So here is my open letter to Roger Clemens:

Dear Mr. Clemens,

Help a girl out. I don't want to have to turn my autographed baseball to the side with Ramiro Mendoza's name. Please, in the name of all that is good, think of an excuse that is at least plausible. For your convenince I have included a few ideas of my own.

Top 5 Reasons Why Brian McNamee Says I Did Steroids

1) I stole his girlfriend and now he is out for revenge.
2) I tripped and fell on the needle he was prepping for Andy Pettite.
3) The dog ate my homework.
4) Have you ever seen that movie The Fan? Robert Deniro = Brian McNamee
5) I thought it was the flu vaccine.

Thanks,

Heather